The IN-LAWS
By Umm Ibrahim al-Murtaza examines common relationship dramas involving the
in-laws and suggest ways to handle them as a Muslimah should.
I distinctly remember before getting
married, I was willing to put up with
anything, except living with in-laws.
It seems selfish and harsh, but that
was the case, as it is with so many
other women going into marriage.
Why is this so? Why are we taught
to think that the in-laws will be our
worst enemies?
Wherever we look, whether it is in the
movies or on popular TV sitcoms, the
in-laws are made fun of. Never can
anyone have a peaceful relationship
with their in-laws. But, is this really
the case? Can we actually have a
beneficial relationship or even
friendship with our in-laws?
I, like most other women, have had
issues with my in-laws. Most of
these issues have to do with my
space, housework, and raising
children. When it comes down to it,
I have this notion that my in-laws will
disapprove of whatever I am doing.
However, what I have come to learn
is that most of it is in my head.
Sure, my father in-law has plenty to
say about food and my cooking at
times, but does that really matter?
And my mother in-law always has to
put in her two cents about raising
the children, but she is only trying to
be helpful.
Certainly, there are cases of in-laws
being totally unfair and having
unrealistic expectations for their
daughter in-law, but I am not sure
that this is not the norm. I think that
we as women go into the marriage
with negative notions of how the inlaws
are going to be and react to
that in the wrong way. We are taught
that we need to have our own space
and will do things our way in our
households with our husbands.
However, Islamicially speaking, is
this any way to think of your
husband’s parents? Surely, the
same respect should be given to
them as our own parents.
Most of the time, seemingly little
things can turn into heated arguments,
or are just turn into a big deal.
Here are some examples:
• Your in-laws are coming over for
the weekend. You put up a fit and
start getting stressed out. So, what
is the big deal? It’s only for a
weekend, and then they will depart.
Surely, you can be civil, patient and
hospitable for a weekend.
• Your father in-law makes a remark
about your cooking. Of course,
you are offended, but how would you
react if your father made the same
comment? It wouldn’t matter as
much. So, try to look at this in the
same light.
• Your mother in-law tries to tell you
how to raise your kids…again!
This is going to happen, whether you
like it or not. You know how you want
to raise your kids, so just listen, say
thank you and then do it the way you
think is best. However, it is important
to note that many times, there is a lot
of wisdom behind what they are
saying, so at least hear them out.
• Your in-laws prefer that you call
them everyday. However, you find
this difficult to do, with your busy
schedule. Whenever you call, you
have to hear an earful from them.
The best thing to do is to try and call
more often, and whenever you don’t,
just apologize.
• There is a wedding in the family
and you are expected to do certain
things or dress a certain way, etc.
As long as you are not doing
something against Islam, try to be
patient and go along with what they
are saying. After all, it won’t kill you
• Every time your in-laws spend time
with your children, they feed them
candy, and plenty of it! This is a
tough situation. You don’t want to
offend your in-laws, but at the same
time, you don’t want your kids to
have tooth decay! I have found the
best way is to let your husband
deal with it. If that fails, then take
your in-laws aside and explain to
them gently how you feel. If it still
continues, then a little candy
every time they visit can’t be that bad
for the children.
• You make the horrible mistake of
having an argument with your
husband in front of your in-laws.
Don’t ever make this mistake again.
It is easy for you and your husband
to forgive and forget, but much more
difficult for your in-laws.
• Every time you try to discipline your
children, your in-laws jump in and
rescue them. Although this is very
frustrating, you must accept the
reality that grandparents are there to
spoil your children. Just let it go. If it
does get to the point that you really
can’t handle it and find yourself
getting stressed out, then have a talk
with your in-laws about it.
• No matter how hard you try, you just cannot be yourself around
your in-laws. The only person who can change this, and start to
have a real relationship with them, is you. Once you start
opening up and spending more time with them, they will no
longer be the enemy, but more like a parent or friend to you.
We have to remember that the relationship with our in-laws is like
any other. The more we put into it, the more we will get out of it.
And, as Muslimahs, we should know that jannah is more
attainable for us, if our husbands are happy. One sure fire way to keep our
husband happy, is to have a good relationship with his family.
And, if it’s not possible to do that, then at least be kind to them
and have some patience with them.
Just like other Muslims, our in-laws are also our fellow Muslim
brothers and sisters. And we must love one another if we want
to attain jannah, as is stated in the following hadith:
“You will not enter paradise until you have faith and you will not
complete your faith until you love one another.” (Muslim)
May Allah make our relationships with our in-laws
beneficial, for this life and the hereafter! Ameen.
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